Picking Up The Pieces
by Guardian Angel
Summary: Max has been captured by Lydecker...how's it gonna end?
1. Picking Up The Pieces

Picking Up The Pieces

By Guardian Angel ([eyes_only1@yahoo.com][1])

1/24/01

**Rating:** R

**Setting:** Sometime in the future… Basically could happen anytime before M/L get together as an official couple. *shrugs*

**Spoilers:** Really minor one for "Out."

** **

**Author's Notes:** Well, this is what happens when I have a really bad week.I was gonna try to wait until I had some of my other projects finished, since I have like four started right now, but I just felt the need to start writing this tonight…Poor Max and Logan, they always get the crappy end of the deal… I seem to take unnatural pleasure in torturing them…oh well.At least I get to get this story out of my head, it wasn't letting me sleep.Anyway, I'll shut up now…enjoy…or whatever, not really sure what I'm supposed to say with angst!

Many thanks to my wonderful betas, you guys are the best!Thank you, Dan, Mandy, Jen, and Ana. :-)

Oh, and the reason it took me so long to finish this is cause after writing like the first ten pages in one night, I ran into a huge mental roadblock…it took me awhile to work past that. :-)

Dedication: To Dan.You know why.

*****

Despite all that they'd done, all the precautions they'd taken, in the end it wasn't enough.Lydecker had caught up with her.

Now, in his hands, she was as good as dead.

Every time he thought of his beautiful, headstrong, independent Max- which was more often than he cared to admit- being reduced to a heartless soldier once more, her spirit shattered, Logan had to fight the urge to punch something.Or cry.

_I failed her._Even if he'd never said the words aloud, for fear of her claiming she didn't need him, he had sworn to himself that he would protect her.He failed.Now she was gone.

It had been over six months since she had been captured. Each day was a small victory for Logan, a testament to the much-doubted fact that he could, indeed, live without her.He had doubted the possibility for a long time following her disappearance, moping about his penthouse, neglecting his Eyes Only work, and usually drinking himself into a stupor.

It wasn't until Bling threatened to beat the shit out of him, then proceeded to do so, that Logan began to find his way out of his own private hell.He hadn't believed that Bling would take on a man in a wheelchair, and had taunted him, telling him to "bring it on," and "put him out of his misery."He was shocked when the first punch had landed in his face, breaking his nose and sending blood spewing everywhere.The force of the blow had sent his wheelchair tipping, and he'd spilled unceremoniously on the floor.

Bling had stood over him, glaring down at the battered man, and told him that if he didn't shape up _now_, there would be more where that came from.

_"Max would be the first to beat on your ass for locking yourself away and neglecting your work.Since she's not here, it's up to me to knock some sense into you."_Bling's words still echoed in his head, over four months later.

Luckily, the argument provided the needed impetus for Logan to start pulling himself together, and pick up the pieces of his life.It was unbelievably painful, and the process often sent him lapsing back into despair for long periods of time.It seemed like every little thing reminded him of Max in some way.

The dining table, where they'd shared so many meals.The computer, where he'd found out information on her siblings, and helped her.The kitchen, where they'd made Pasta Tre Colori.That chair, where she'd so often tossed her jacket upon her arrival.The roar of a motorcycle on the street below, the words "gotta blaze."

Big or small, his penthouse and the world in general were filled with memories and reminders, and at times he thought the entire thing was designed to torment him.

Frustrated by his line of thinking and the restless energy it always spawned, Logan shoved himself away from the computer and stood up, prowling around the room.That was another thing that had changed; three months ago he had undergone a radical new surgery to repair his spinal cord.Between the surgery and the massive amounts of physical therapy he had undergone afterwards, and still was keeping up with, he now had two fully functional legs.

_ _

_If only she could see me now.I can imagine the look on her face… _It wasn't hard, and unwanted imaginings of Max's reaction began to flit through his mind, as they so often did.

_I'd be sitting at the computer, in my wheelchair, like always, as she comes in.We'd exchange our normal greetings, and I'd gesture her closer._

_ _

_"Max, come here.I have a surprise for you."_

_ _

_"Is it bigger than a breadbox?"She'd have some smart-ass reply, like she usually does…she's always good on the comebacks._It was amazing how much he missed those amusing retorts of hers.

_ _

_"Much."I'd be facing her now, as she stands in front of me."Cover your eyes.And no peeking!"Gotta watch her, she's sneaky… _

_ _

_She'd grumble at my demands, but grudgingly follow them.She doesn't like being told what to do, that's for sure.Even if it is for a good reason._

_ _

_Anticipation hanging ripely in the air, I'd slowly stand up.As I stand there, looking down on her, I realize that I'd almost forgotten how much taller than her I really am._

_ _

_"You can look now."_

_ _

_She'd lower her hands quickly; eager to see what little surprise I have for her.Expecting some little trifle, nothing overly important, the shock on her face as she realizes she has to look up to meet my gaze._

_ _

_She would launch herself at me, and I'd scoop her up and spin her around in a dizzying circle, leaving both of us breathless…_

_ _

There were a hundred different endings to his little fantasies, going from the more realistic to the wildly imaginative.His favorite was probably the one where they ended up in bed, making love.

But it would never happen.She was in Lydecker's hands once more.

At that morbid thought, Logan stopped his pacing, staring out the wide window at the glittering city below.The darkness, coupled with the bright lights shining out of apartments and buildings, did a wonderful job of cloaking the broken city, and making it appear 'normal.'As he gazed out the window, his eyes unfocused and unseeing, ore dismal thoughts took control of his mind, shoving out the fancies about her reaction. 

She's out there, somewhere.Alone.Facing God knows what.I imagine that she's being pumped full of drugs, and made to watch subversive videos, in order to regain control over her body.Of her mind. 

They won't care about her brilliantly active mind, or her innate skill at getting herself out of problems without having a plan.They won't want the compassionate heart she tries to hide.They'll do their damnedest to destroy her, mind and body, turning a stunningly perfect woman into a mindless drone, a thoughtless killing machine.

Unnoticed at his side, his hands clenched into fists.His jaw was tense, his mouth set in one thin line at the thoughts whirling through his mind.

Not a day went by when he didn't miss her, and he'd lived with a constant ache in his chest for the past six months.They always say time heals all wounds…but it sure as hell doesn't seem to be making a damn bit of difference yet."Max…where are you?"The words were an almost-silent whisper; he didn't even realize he had spoken them aloud.

If anyone had been around to hear his last words, that person might have noted the irony of the statement.However, the unintentional foreshadowing of his question was lost on Logan, as he continued to stare out into the night and wonder.

Suddenly his body went taut as he heard the door to his apartment thud shut.While the sound was not muffled, meaning whoever it was probably wasn't trying to hide from Logan, he was still suspicious.The only person who had a key to his penthouse was Bling, and he wouldn't be here this late, unannounced.

Moving as silently as he was able, he crossed the room and slipped his shotgun out of its hiding place.He heard another thud coming from the hallway, and his curiosity grew.He quietly slid the door to his office open, carefully peering around the doorframe to see what was going on.

His breath caught, and his body stiffened."Max."The word was a quietly whispered prayer, as he saw the slender figure at the other end of the hall, leaning drunkenly against one wall.In his haste to get to her, he tripped over his own feet and almost ended up landing unceremoniously on his face.

It wasn't until he got closer that he realized that she hadn't said a single word, and that all was not right in his world once again.She just stayed where she was, using the wall to support herself, and staring blankly at nothing in particular.When he finally took a good look at her, he stopped in his tracks, stunned.

She was caked in blood.It was smeared on her cheeks and face, streaked in dirty tracks down her shoulders and arms, matted her hair in tangled lumps to her skull.Some of the blood came from obvious cuts and wounds; still more was apparently from an unknown source.Her clothing was black, making it hard to distinguish blood on the dark fabric, but from the way it was clinging wetly to her in many areas, his educated guess was that her clothes hid more cuts and injuries.Her right arm was bent at an unnatural angle; it was obviously broken.

Despite the rivers of blood, it was her eyes that hurt him the most.Her beautiful chocolaty brown eyes, normally so full of life and humor, now appeared dead.They were unfocused, as if the horrors she had seen were too much for her to bear.

As he stood there, trying to make sense out of what he was seeing, she seemed to loose what little strength she had, and went sliding to the floor in a boneless heap.Her head lolled back on her neck as if she couldn't support it anymore.Brought back to reality, he was instantly kneeling at her side.

"Max."He examined her quickly, trying to pinpoint any wounds that looked like they could become fatal, but was afraid to touch her, for fear of hurting her even more."Max, where does it hurt most?Talk to me, please."As her eyes began to drift shut, he panicked.He was no doctor, but even he knew that it was unwise for a possible concussion victim to sleep.And from the blood caking her hair, it didn't take a damn brain surgeon to guess that she probably had a concussion."Max, wake up.Dammit, don't you dare go to sleep on me now!"He couldn't help the desperate frustration in his voice, he felt so helpless."I just got you back, goddammit, don't you even think of leaving me!"

Her eyes fluttered slowly open, taking long, precious seconds to focus on his worried face."Lo…Logan?"Her voice was a thready murmur, speaking was obviously difficult for her.

He studied her face, gently brushing several wayward chunks of hair out of her eyes."Hey Max… I'm here."His heart ached at the pain he knew she must be feeling."You're not alone anymore, you're safe.Don't worry, just relax and I'll fix you up."In his worry for her, all of his walls were down and he didn't even notice the endearment he'd just used.Max was hurt, and nothing else mattered.

As he gently cradled her head in his lap, he swept his gaze down her body, trying to gauge what needed attention the most.His gaze lighted on her neck, and what he saw there made his blood boil.Clearly imprinted on the tender skin of her throat, ringing her entire neck, he could see fingerprints.It was obvious that someone had tried to strangle her, and the marks were a dark, livid purple.No wonder she was having trouble speaking!For some reason, the stark marks against the pale gold of her skin enraged him more than anything else he had seen.

Brutally forcing himself to keep the rage out of his voice, he tenderly gazed down at her, catching her gaze with his eyes."It's going to be ok.I promise.I need to go call Bling, he'll have a better idea of what to do, but I'll be right back, ok?"He had no idea how much her pain-dazed brain actually understood, with the way her eyes were starting to glaze over again, he wasn't even sure if she'd realized he was speaking.However, he knew that he did not have the knowledge to take care of such extensive injuries, and so he gently laid her head on the floor, making sure she was as comfortable as possible.He dragged himself off to call Bling, unable to stop himself from glancing over his shoulder several times as he went.

Ten minutes later, the door to Logan's penthouse burst open, and Bling stepped inside.He'd made the trip across town in record time, borrowing a car from a friend in order to get there sooner.He immediately crouched at Logan's side, examining the broken and battered woman in front of him as much as he was able.

"Bling…tell me you can help her."

It was impossible for him to miss the helplessness and pain in his friend's voice, and his eyes pleaded with him.Bling sighed, trying to decide what the first course of action should be."Logan, you know I'm a physical therapist, not a doctor-"

Logan cut him off, desperation beginning to color his tone."Dammit Bling, you're the only hope we have.I can't take her to a doctor, they wouldn't know what to do or how to help her, and they'd just start asking questions we can't answer.She's lost enough blood that they'd want to do a transfusion, which would of course lead to questions about her odd blood type.She just escaped from Manticore, for Christ's sake, you know we can't risk any publicity!"He abruptly ran out of steam, and his brilliantly blue eyes pleaded with his friend."Please…"His voice broke on the last word, unused to the strain of so much emotion.It had been a long time since he'd allowed himself to feel this much.

Bling sighed again.He had known, even before he'd said anything, that this would be Logan's reaction.Still, he'd had to try. "Ok.I'll do what I can."He stood up, holding an internal debate with himself on the best course of action, before making a decision."We need to move her into the bathroom- *carefully*- and get some of this blood cleaned off.There's so much of it that I can't even see where most of the cuts are, I have no idea what is serious and what isn't."

"Ok.We can do that."Grateful to have something constructive to do, instead of just sitting there, holding her head and worrying, Logan leapt up."Umm…"He pondered the best way to pick her up, worrying about causing her more pain.With a helpless glance at Bling, he finally gave up and bent down, scooping her into his arms as gently as possible.Following Bling, he carefully carried her through his bedroom and into the spacious master bath.

"Let's see…Set her down on the toilet seat for a moment, I'll start some water running."Bling flicked the drain closed and began filling the large bathtub with lukewarm water.

Looking dubiously at the cold porcelain seat, Logan shook his head in denial.Instead of following his friend's directions, he sat down on the toilet seat himself, cradling Max delicately in his lap. "What…what are you doing?"Logan was puzzled, he expected his friend to be worrying about the cuts and wounds, not drawing a bath for God's sake!

"She's covered in blood, Logan.I can't see where it all is coming from, much less where to begin patching her up!We need to get her cleaned up at least enough for me to be able to see what I'm doing."

Bling's words were logical, and Logan nodded."Ok, makes sense."

Carefully shifting Max around so that he could see her face, he studied the exhausted woman in his arms.Her gaze was vacant, her eyes often drifting shut for long moments of time, and he was pretty sure she had no idea what was going on.The thought flitted through his mind that she'd obviously used the last of her strength, and then some, to come home to him.As soon as she'd seen him, she had given up, giving in to the demands of her body, and had fainted.A small, inner portion of his heart was warmed by the fact that she seemed to trust him so much, though the more cynical side of his brain realized that in the state she was in, she probably hadn't had much choice…her body was simply not capable of supporting her any longer.

He was roughly dragged back to reality at Bling's next words.

"Go ahead and strip her, by the time you're done the tub'll be full."

"Wha…what?"It was amazing how a few simple words could turn a normally intelligent, with-it male into a babbling idiot.

Bling shook his head, slightly amused by his friend's predicament, but refusing to give in.This was too important, and they both knew it."Forget about modesty, Logan.We need to get her cleaned up, so I know what I'm doing, and we need to do it now.We don't have time to waste on sensibilities and wondering if Max would want us to see her naked.And at this point, you and I both know she wouldn't give a flying fuck, even if she manages to work her way through whatever distant part of her brain she's lost herself in enough to realize what we're doing."

Logan nodded, knowing his friend was right.Gathering up his courage, he gingerly began to peel the form-fitting black tank top off of her.He was frustrated by the way the thin material stuck to the blood; he was afraid that he would hurt her even more by trying to get it off."Bling, it's stuck on there with dried blood.I'm afraid of hurting her.Couldn't we just put her in the tub, and let the water loosen the blood, before we try to undress her?"

Bling considered for a moment, before shaking his head."No, that would mean that we'd have to peel her out of wet clothes, which would be just as difficult, if not more so."He thought for a moment more."Here, wait a minute, I've got an idea."

He ducked out of the room, only to return a moment later."Here."He handed Logan a pair of scissors.At his friend's blank look, he smiled slightly."Cut her out of the clothes, Logan."He couldn't help but feel slightly like he was talking to a child.The poor man was so overcome with worry that he wasn't thinking straight.Not that he blamed him; he would have to be complete idiot if he didn't realize how much Logan cared about this woman.

Logan took the scissors, slightly nonplussed.He stared at Max for a moment, gathering his courage once more as he tried to figure out how to juggle scissors, clothes, and woman all at once.Gulping softly, he sent a silent prayer heavenward that everything would be ok, and began to delicately cut the ruined clothes away from her. 

It wasn't long before he was lost in his task, his attention focused solely on the thought of ridding her of her clothes with as little extra pain as possible.All of his earlier embarrassment was gone as he sliced the tank top off of her, inch by inch, carefully peeling the fabric away from her skin.Dimly, he was aware of Bling moving about the apartment, gathering together the supplies they would need to fix Max up.

After several long, agonizing minutes, Logan finally tugged the last of her shirt away.She was naked from the waist up; she wore no bra beneath.Blood, both dried and fresh, was the only thing that even partially hid her from his gaze. 

Unable to help himself, he paused for a moment to look.Like her arms and face, her torso was crisscrossed with various cuts and bruises.The most notable was a deep slice starting out on her left shoulder, extending down across the top of her left breast, passing under her right breast, and finally ending near the bottom of her ribcage.The wound still sullenly eeked deep red blood in several places.

"Logan, finish up.The water's ready."

Bling's words roused him from his thoughts of tracking down whoever had done this to her, and killing them.Slowly.Painfully.

"Yeah."He focused once again on his work.Luckily, while the tank top had clung like a second skin, the jeans she wore were rather loose, as if she had found or borrowed them somewhere.That made his work all the easier, he didn't have to spend so much time worrying about accidentally cutting her with the sharp scissors as he cut open each leg.

When he was finished, he carefully held Max up enough that Bling could pull the tattered denim away from her.She wore no underwear beneath the jeans, confirming Logan's belief that she had either found or stolen the clothes from somewhere after making her escape.

"Ok.Let's get her in the water."As he picked up her feet, Bling whistled softly. "Wow, they sure as hell managed to do a number on her.Your girl's got guts, that's for sure." 

Logan just nodded, carefully supporting her shoulders and head as the pair lowered her into the warm water.He had long ago given up trying to convince Bling that Max was not "his girl," he refused to listen and it just hadn't seemed worth the effort.Besides, as much as he had tried to deny it, he truly did want Max to be his girl.He couldn't stop the errant hope that maybe, just maybe, now that she was back they actually stood a chance at building something together.

As she came into contact with the water, Max's eyes fluttered open for a minute, focusing blearily on Bling."Wha?Log-Logan?"Her words were slurred, and she seemed confused as to where she was. 

"Right here, Max.I'm right here."

At the comforting sound of his voice, she sagged back against the rim of the tub, content with the thought that he was there, and he would take care of her.

With a minimum of words, the pair went into action once more.Bling started at her feet, Logan started at her head, and they slowly worked their way towards each other, carefully, gently, cleaning her up.As the blood and grime was washed away, even more cuts and bruises were revealed.

"Jesus."The thought of Max having to deal with all of this, having to face the pain alone, made him ache deep inside.He wanted to cuddle her close and magically make it all go away.

Banking the emotions that swarmed him, he forced himself to concentrate on the work at hand.Slowly, carefully, the two men began to mend her torn and tattered body.

*****

Sidenote- This wasn't supposed to be a two-parter, but Dan suggested I break it in half when I post it, since it's so long, and I think he's right…but hey, I was nice, I waited until I completed the whole thing before posting! :-)

   [1]: mailto:eyes_only1@yahoo.com



	2. Picking Up The Pieces

Picking Up The Pieces

By Guardian Angel ([eyes_only1@yahoo.com][1])

1/24/01

*****

She slept for days, floating in that special world that only the people who have been near death, and pulled back, can reach.Sometimes the pain was so great that she wanted to scream, to cry, to beg for it all to be ended.Fortunately, the pain did not usually last for long, as either Bling or Logan would notice her distress and give her more medicine.

At Bling's advice, they let her sleep uninterrupted for the first day or so.After a close examination, the he had determined that her concussion, if she even had one, was mild, and she needed that time to start healing much more than she needed to be kept awake, or fed food or water.After the first 36 hours, though, they began to take turns feeding her, rousing her just enough to slide a few sips of water or broth down her throat every few hours.She never fully woke up, and they were both pretty sure that she had no idea what was going on.

She had no idea that Logan practically lived at her bedside, doing his damnedest to make her as comfortable as possible.Despite Bling's warnings and offers to spell him so he could rest, the worried man usually exhausted himself to the point where he ended up drifting off to sleep for brief snatches of time, ensconced in a chair at her bedside.He usually woke up with a giant crick in his neck, or a lingering soreness in his back at the uncomfortable positions he often found himself in. 

His diligence paid off when, six days after her abrupt arrival, she finally opened her eyes once more.As the world slowly began to invade her senses, she quietly took stock of her body before looking around her.She ached in a thousand different places, her throat still burned slightly with each breath, and her arm, lying splinted at her side, twinged with pain from the partially mended break.

Her sleepy gaze landed on Logan, and she hid the pang in her heart with a soft smile.He was slumped forward in his chair, his arms crossed on the bed and his head pillowed on them.With his face relaxed in sleep he looked decidedly sweet…and decidedly uncomfortable.

She had been away for so long.During her time at Manticore, she had often thought of him, wondering what he was doing at any certain moment, imagining a thousand different scenarios for him.Many of them had included other women; after all, he was a handsome man.Those images had always hurt, and as the months began to add up, heightening the chances that he'd found someone else, she convinced herself that if she ever managed to escape again, she would not go back to Seattle.She'd make a new life for herself somewhere else, where Lydecker would be less likely to look…and where memories wouldn't haunt her at every turn.

But when the shit hit the fan, where did I end up? Here.I honestly don't even remember making the conscious decision to come here, all I remember is the pain, and… Abruptly her mind shied away from the vivid images, and she quickly skipped over that chunk of time in her mental ruminations.And I ended up here.Go figure.Logan has always been kind of a safe house for me, and I guess when I needed it most my body went on autopilot, and brought me here.Looks like he came through…as always.

"Logan."Unused for several days, and still bruised, her voice was a hoarse croak when she finally managed to force words through her dry throat.

He jolted awake at the sound, blearily rubbing his eyes and looking up at her."Max."It was impossible to miss the relief and happiness in the single word.She had slept for so long that he had started to wonder if she would ever wake up.He smiled at her; his eyes alight with joy."You're awake.How do you feel?"He studied her intently, noticing that while she was still pale beneath her golden skin, she was looking markedly better.Most of the bruises had either completely vanished, or faded to a dull gray-yellow.All visible cuts were scabbed over and in various stages of healing.

She shrugged, wincing as the movement tugged uncomfortably at several healing scabs."I'm alive, so I suppose that's a plus."Her initial happiness upon seeing him began to fade, as memories of what had taken place began to invade her mind, refusing to be pushed away this time.Reminding her of what she had endured, and what she had lost since she had seen him last.

Trying to push her depressing thoughts away, refusing to deal with them for a little while longer, Max absently shoved a stray strand of hair behind her ear.Dimly, her senses took in the slightly oily texture of her hair, and she realized that she felt disgusting, dirty.She'd obviously been asleep for longer than she'd originally guessed.The T-shirt she wore was wrinkled, and slightly damp from the tortured sweat of her restless dreams.

Looking back at Logan, her eyes registered her confusion."Uck."She plucked idly at her soiled shirt, craving a shower.That, however, could wait a little longer."How long have I been out?" 

"About six days."He met her startled gaze, seeing the astonishment in her eyes."You were pretty wrecked, Max.Your body needed the down time, the chance to recover without interruption and worry."

He stretched, rolling his shoulders and working out some of the kinks left from his uncomfortable napping position.Seeing the sadness entering her eyes, he reached out and gently stroked a finger down her cheek."What's wrong?"His voice was soft.

She shook her head slightly, not ready to talk about what she had sacrificed to stay alive.What others had sacrificed for her.She looked away, refusing to meet his gaze.He was much too perceptive, and she wasn't quite ready to share her pain with him.

Understanding that she needed time, Logan just nodded and smiled reassuringly.He wasn't going to press her, she would tell him about it when she was ready.Not only was her body still fragile at this point, but so was her mind.Too much pressure, and she might break.He wasn't willing to risk it.

It doesn't take a genius to realize that she must've been through hell.

"Ok." Switching gears in his brain, he stood up, looking down at her."Think you could keep a few bites of dinner down if I whip something up?After six days of water and broth, I'm sure your body could use some solid food."

She stared up at him, stunned with the realization that he no longer needed the wheelchair.What little she actually remembered from her arrival in his penthouse was a blurry fog, and apparently the fact that he could walk again had not registered in her brain at the time.

"You're standing!"Despite the hoarse croak of her voice, the astonishment in her words was clear.

He smiled at her surprise."Yeah.They managed to find a way to cure me, about three months ago.The surgery was risky, but definitely worth it."His blue eyes sparkled at her, full of happiness and compassion."How about that food?"He stared down at her for a moment longer, reluctant to leave.After months without any word from her, he was almost afraid that if he left her alone for more than a minute, she'd disappear.But she desperately needed food, her normally slender body had been whittled away to little more than skin and bones over the past few months, between the strain of being back at Manticore and going several days without sustenance while she slept.

"Yeah, ok.After six months of soldier rations, I think I can probably choke down a homemade meal by Chef Cale."Though the movement was slightly painful, tearing at the cut in her lip, she smiled back at him, trying to lighten the mood a bit.

With one last smile he turned to go."Good.I'll be back, just yell if you need anything, Ok?"With one last, long undecipherable look, he left her alone to prepare dinner.

*****

Twenty minutes later, Logan walked back into the bedroom, carrying a steaming tray of food. From her position on the bed, Max was staring out the window.So deep in thought was she that his entrance into the room didn't even register in her mind.

"Max."

His soft words woke her from her trance, and she turned to face him.He almost stumbled backwards at the unbearable sadness that filled her eyes, multiplied tenfold in depth from what he had seen just minutes before.With an almost unbearable desire to make all of her pain go away, he rushed to her side and sat down on the edge of the bed.He placed the tray of food on the bedside table where it was promptly forgotten.

Reaching out a hand, he felt her forehead.As if her sadness was caused by a fever, or some such illness.At least then there would be a tangible thing for him to fix, a place to start."What's wrong?"Her face was not overly hot, and he began to gently stroke her tangled hair, absently brushing the strands out of her eyes and tucking them behind her ears.

At the obvious concern in his voice and the tenderness of his touch, the tears she had been keeping back for so long threatened once again to fall.Holding on the last tattered shreds of her Manticore training, she pushed the useless sign of weakness away once more."Nothing."Despite her brutal control, her voice broke slightly on the word."There's nothing you can do."

She sounded so hopeless, and the shadows seemed to engulf her eyes even more.Smothering her natural life, making her seem dead and empty inside.

While she had always been able to share her problems with him before, been able to discuss anything with him, for some reason it was much harder to open up to him this time.After experiencing what it was like to live and love, being forced back into training as a Manticore soldier had scared her even more than she was aware of.In order to keep even the slightest bit of her soul alive, she'd had to lock that part of herself away in the deepest corners of her mind, revealing it to no one.Now, as her mind tried to shut down and refuse to acknowledge all the terrible things that had happened, it was almost impossible for her to find that corner of herself and open up again.

"Talk to me."His voice was soft as he pleaded with her."At least let me give you a shoulder to cry on…"His topaz-blue eyes searched her face, looking for some clue as to what was going on in her troubled head.He wanted to cuddle her, to wrap her in his arms and promise that it would be all right, that it would all go away.To protect her, to hide her away from the world and keep her as his forever."You're not alone, Max.You don't have to be strong all the time, not anymore.Let me help you."

Finally, as the compassion and concern in those wonderful eyes of his wore her down, she took a deep breath and forced herself to speak."Zack.He's dead because of me." Her voice and face were expressionless as she said this, and she refused to meet his questioning gaze.Grief welled up in her throat, making it difficult to speak, and she paused for a moment.

"What happened?"Gently, he pried for details.He felt guilty for the small amount of relief he felt at her words, images of Max being tortured, beaten, or tormented in a million other ways had been flitting through his head.While he was glad that her sadness did not stem from something that had been done directly to her, he knew that Max had loved the annoying man as a brother, and that his death was understandably hard on her.

"He's dead…he loved me, gave up his life for me- not once, but twice- and I never even had the chance to tell him how much he meant to me."These last words were said in a near-whisper, and a single tear broke past the dam and trickled slowly down her cheek, glittering diamond-bright in the soft light from the bedside lamp.

At her words, his heart threatened to break.He had managed to make it when she had left, fighting through his grief and guilt, eventually able to move forward with his life.When he had seen her in his hall, bruised and battered, he would have needed to be dead to repress the hope that had sprung up in his chest.Hope that she was back for good…hope that maybe, just maybe, they had a chance at a life together this time.

If he found out now that she had given her heart to Zack, that she viewed him as no more than a friend, Logan knew that would be the end.Broken hearts could be mended, but there was no way to pick up the pieces of a shattered heart.

"Wha…what do you mean?"Unbidden, his voice stuttered.In the face of his emotional turmoil, his normally fluent words failed him. 

Caught up in her own thoughts, Max didn't notice the strangled quality of his words.Her eyes were unfocused as she stared into space, reliving those last moments over and over in her head.

She was silent for so long that Logan had finally come to the conclusion that she wasn't going to tell him, when finally her voice broke the quiet, a pain-filled murmur.He had no doubts that she was talking to herself now, he was pretty sure that she'd even forgotten he was in the room in the first place. 

No longer truly aware of his presence in the room, she spoke softly, her voice a strained murmur."I was there for over a month before I saw Zack again.I knew he was there, Lydecker had let it slip a few times, but he was keeping us separated…as if he was afraid that if we were together, we'd undermine each other's training and try to escape again.Which, of course, we would have."The last sentence sounded slightly more like the old Max, dryly sarcastic, and the faintest hint of a humorless smile crossed her lips for a millisecond before she continued.

While the words had refused to come at first, once she got started, reliving the painful memories in her head, she couldn't have stopped the flood of words if her life had depended on it."The first full week he kept me chained up and locked away in a pitch-black room, stuffing drugs down my throat with the meals that were delivered twice a day by silent, disgusting guards."Her voice was carefully bleak, as she refused to let on exactly how much the proceedings had hurt her.

"When he finally let me out, I was so doped up, dependent on the shit he had fed me, that it wasn't hard for him to get me to do what he wanted.I was shoved back into the training program immediately, doing the same old shit.The combat training, the strategy classes, the subversive videos.The physical training that bordered on the edge of torture at times.All the stuff we'd done as children, only ten times more intensive.And all it took was one mistake, just one, and you were sentenced to a beating the likes of which you'd never be able to imagine, and rations were suspended for two days.Of course we were still expected to train during those days, despite the fact that we were always weak with blood loss and lack of food.

"After the first couple times that happened, I learned real quick, and did my damndest to be good.Locked my heart and mind away in a tiny corner of my body, and refused to acknowledge them.I would've gone crazy otherwise.Thinking I was the perfect little soldier again, he finally put me back into the group with Zack and Brin."

Silently Logan listened, figuring that it would be wiser to just let her talk it out, to say what she needed to say.His heart clenched at the pain he knew she must have endured; she was so strong.He knew she had the armored soul of a warrior, despite her many insecurities and the facade of nonchalance she presented to the world as she tried to hide those fears.Lydecker believed his children to be failures, but really, they weren't.Or at least Max wasn't.To Logan, at least, she was the perfect blend of soldier and woman; the perfect hybrid. 

He was grateful that she was oblivious to the fact that he flinched every time she said Zack's name. His heart ached deep in his chest as he heard the longing in her voice as she spoke, and he found himself fighting down the urge to leap up and shout, to tell her that Zack could never love her the way he could, that if she'd just give him the chance, he could be everything she wanted.Everything she needed. 

"I remember the first time I saw Zack again…I was so overjoyed to see him, I almost cried.But to cry would've given me away, broken down those walls again, and probably would've landed me back in solitary, being pumped full of drugs.In that first glance we said everything that needed to be said through our eyes.We never once talked to each other in a personal way, to do so would've given away the fact that we weren't mindless little drones again.But still, it was an understood fact that we'd try to escape the first time the chance arose.

"They learned their lesson, 'cause it was so much harder to escape this time.Wherever we went there were guards… I'm not sure how long we went on like that, the days just all blurred together.I was there, and yet I wasn't, not really.My body was doing what was demanded of it, no matter how disgusting or difficult the task, but my mind, that essential part of me was locked away…"Her jaw was clenched, her eyes lost off in the distance.Instead of seeing the warm paneled walls of Logan's bedroom, she was haunted with images and ghosts from her time at Manticore. 

Logan's stomach churned at her words.Her spirit had always been such a vital part of her, a bright light in the shadows of their damaged world.The thought of someone trampling on that light, causing her to lock it away in some dark hole away from the world, made him ache.Still, he forced himself to continue listening, knowing that whether or not she acknowledged his presence, she needed the metaphorical shoulder to cry on.

"I just did what I had to do to survive."Her gaze still lost in the past, oblivious to her surroundings, she shrugged."After a while, I stopped caring what they did to me.Didn't matter anymore, it was just my body.Not my mind.But then…"

Up until this point in her monologue, her words had been fairly controlled, as if she was just relating facts of history.Within the space of a millisecond, though, her tone shifted, her face once again filling with pain and misery, and her voice breaking with unshed tears.

Unable to bear it any longer, desperate to know what happened, Logan finally took a risk and prodded her a bit, trying to get her to continue.His words were tender as he gently tucked a wayward strand of hair behind her ear."And then?Can you tell me what happened next, Max?Please?"

Suddenly she snapped back to the present, the clouds fading from her eyes and her gaze focusing with rapid clarity on his face.Her look was biting as she glared at him, deciding that anger was a better way to deal with her pain."And then we tried to escape, and all hell broke loose."Her anger was short lived, however, as the memories once again swamped her.

Looking away once again, she continued talking.As before, her words were not really directed specifically at Logan; she was just talking.Reliving the nightmare in her mind."One night, we got the chance we'd been waiting for.A bout of flu was going around the compound, and a few too many guards were down sick.Security was at a minimum, probably as low as it was ever going to be.Zack woke us in the middle of the night, told us the plan.Plan.I say that like there actually was a plan."Her laugh was bitter at the painful memories that refused to leave her alone.

"In all actuality, we were just gonna make a run for it, and hope to hell that there were enough of us to distract the guards and get out. We didn't go out the window this time, cause that woulda set off a shitload of alarms and let them know exactly what was going on.We thought we were smarter in our old age, or somethin', ya know?Decided to risk sneaking downstairs and out through one of the side doors, no alarms to set off that way.Not really a big deal, there was a door close by, we just had to play dodge-the-riflemen 'long the way.Figure, give 'em enough targets to shoot at, draw their fire in several different directions, they bound to miss more often, right?" 

Sensing she needed the subtle support, he silently slipped his hand in hers, twining their fingers together and squeezing gently.Letting her know that he was there; she wasn't alone.

"So off we went.Zack took out the guard outside our door, easy.He went ahead, scouting, while I brought up the rear with Brin.We made it out of the dorms and into the main hallway without much problem; most of the guards were out sick."

Without even realizing it, she was clinging to his hand, desperate for any shred of reassurance.Proof that she wasn't alone anymore, that she didn't have to face this hell by herself.

"We were just at the door, thinkin' maybe this wasn't so hard after all, when the shit hit the fan."Her voice, earlier almost inaudible at times in her pain, now vibrated with scarlet fury. 

Unable to control herself any longer, she tossed back the covers and sprung up from the bed.Her body was still inordinately weak, and she stumbled a bit, sagging back against the edge of the bed for a moment, before ruthlessly yanking back control of her recalcitrant body.Beneath the borrowed T-shirt she wore, her body shook with an exhausting combination of rage and both emotional and physical pain.She stalked around the room for a moment, like a caged panther looking for an escape, before whirling around to face him.Her hands fisted in her hair as she looked at him, desperation oozing out of her every pore.

Her face twisted in agony, tears finally breaking free to stream, unheeded, down her cheeks, trembling violently, she faced him.

"It was a trap, all a fucking trap!A test to see if we really were loyal."

She shook like a loose leaf faced with a strong wind, and the image of his Max, so weak, scared Logan to death.She was still far from healed; in fact as she stood there he noticed a thin trickle of blood making its way down her leg.One of the cuts on her thighs had reopened.He was afraid she was going to collapse, and rising from the edge of the bed he held out a hand to her again.

"Max.Come sit down, please.You're hurting yourself."

She stared at him blankly for a few seconds, unreacting, until he reached out and took her hand in his.Or tried to, anyway.

Incensed by his touch, she leaped backwards."Get the fuck away from me!"Her chest heaved as she spat the words."Don't touch me!Don't you dare touch me!"She was hysterical at this point, her eyes wet with tears and her body about jumping like it had been connected to a live wire from the strain of her emotions.

"I watched them gun down the man who has saved my life more times than I can count.I watched my brother take a bullet through the fucking brain, trying to deflect the fire from me 'n Brin so that we, at least, had a chance at escape."

Stunned at the depth of her pain, as well as her anger, Logan stumbled back a step, deciding it was wise to do as she asked for now.Despite her rage, she looked as fragile as spun glass, he was afraid that one wrong move would send her shattering to the floor.

As her hot fury at the injustice of what had happened gave way to unbearable agony, she whimpered softly, clutching at her hair.As if holding on to the silky strands with all her strength would save her; keep her from tumbling headlong into the abyss.

"I loved him…"The words were accompanied by a soft moan."I loved him, so much…and he's dead, because of me.I killed him.And Brin.She was shot in the leg, still might have made it, but she stopped, distracting them long enough for me to get away.I tried to take her with me, but she wouldn't…She died for me, too.Just like him."Her words ended on a soft cry, her eyes desolate.

"I killed my family…"She stared at him, the majority of her volatile emotions spent.One hand covered her mouth, as if to stop the flood of words, or in horror.Finally, the energy from adrenaline spent, her legs collapsed beneath her and she sunk to the floor with a strangled sob."Oh God.Oh God oh God oh God.Zack…I love you.Oh God Zack…I need you…my brother…"The words were a soft litany as she shuddered, drawing her legs up to her chest and wrapping her arms around them.With her head resting on her knees, she closed her eyes and began to rock back and forth.

His heart breaking with shared pain, he knelt next to her.With a tentative hand he reached out and gently stroked her hair, prepared to jump backwards if she struck out at him again.She didn't, merely continuing to keen softly to herself and rock, ceaselessly rock.

After a few moments, gaining courage by her acceptance of his touch, Logan sat down on the floor next to her and silently scooped her up.Leaning back against the bed, he placed her in his lap.He wrapped his arms around her, gathering her close and resting his cheek atop her hair.Knowing no words that could dull her pain, he simply offered his strength and presence as comfort.

At first she was stiff in his arms, but after a moment she relax against him, her slight weight sagging against his chest as she burrowed her face into his shoulder and clung.

Neither had a clue as to how long they stayed like that, cuddled together and drawing support from each other. Max found comfort in the feel of Logan's strong arms around her, reassuring her to the point where she let the walls fall and began to truly grieve. Sobs wracked her frail body as Logan held her close, feeling tears sting his eyes too as he gently rocked them both. His heart yearned to touch hers, as if it was physically possible, while at the same time finding comfort in her nearness and the weight of her in his lap. She was home.

Finally, her tears were spent.Exhausted, she stayed where she was, her head resting limply on his shoulder, her arms encircling his waist.Her body ached, all of her wounds throbbing painfully after the whirling storm of her emotions.

After a long while, Logan stood up, Max still in his arms.She stirred slightly, but quieted as he softly hushed her, placing her gently on the bed.Propping her against the pillows, tucking the covers around her, he turned to the meal that sat at the bedside, long forgotten.The food was all cold, but luckily some of it was still edible.He knew that she needed fuel more than anything right now, her body needed energy to be able to repair itself.

Scooping up a bite of cold chicken, he held it out to her."Open up."

Obediently, her lips parted and he slid the morsel into her mouth.She chewed mechanically, the delicious taste of the chicken never registering.The process was repeated several times, until finally Logan deemed that she had eaten enough for now.Setting the tray aside once more, he helped her lay down, making sure she was comfortable, and turned out the light.

Leaning over her in the darkness, he quietly pressed a soft kiss to her forehead."Goodnight, Max.Sleep well."

As he was about to leave, her voice stopped him."Logan?"Her hand groped for his in the darkness, and once she found it she clung to his strong fingers."Don't leave me, please?I don't want to be alone, not yet…"The words were nothing more than a soft whisper, a barely discernable plea.

Sitting down in the chair by her bed once more, he murmured softly to her."Of course.I'm right here, I'm not going anywhere."

Reassured that he would watch over her while she slept, keeping the demons at bay, she finally drifted into an exhausted slumber, their fingers still linked.

***

Hours later, Max woke.The silvery light of twilight created soft shadows in the room, making her surroundings appear almost ethereal.Logan was still at her side, slumped in the chair, asleep.

As she stirred slightly, he jolted out of his light doze.Seeing her awake, a tender smile curved his lips."Hey."He reached out, gently brushing tendrils of hair off her face."How are you feeling?"

She was silent for a moment, taking another silent inventory of her body.She still ached, but not nearly as badly as before.Sleep, coupled with the food he had stuffed down her, had done her good."Better."

He studied her for a moment, silently drinking in her presence.He had to admit that she looked much healthier, color had returned to her cheeks, and there was life in her eyes again.

As he stared at her, drinking in her appearance, confusion ate at his gut.Despite her ordeal, and her haunting thinness, she was still strikingly lovely.Finally, unable to hold back the questions any longer, he spoke.Looking away, he was unable to meet her gaze, afraid of what he might see on her face.Taking a deep breath, he braced himself for the pain that was likely to come.Still, he had to know.

"Max…I know this probably isn't the best time… But I need to know.Your feelings for Zack…was he just a brother?Or was he more than that?"Forcing himself to look back at her, he waited for her answer.Waging a war against a dead man, and unsure of who was winning.

"He was- is- the only family I have, Logan."She sat up, willing him to look at her.After waiting a moment, with no result, she continued.She had a lot of time to ponder her life, her relationships with Logan and her other friends, while trapped in Manticore, and she knew what he was asking now, even if he wasn't quite able to spell it out."He'll always be part of my life, and he'll always have a piece of my heart.How can he not?He's my big brother, the one who looked out for me and protected me when I wasn't able to do it for myself."

Finally, his gaze swung back to hers, and she smiled slightly at him, willing him to believe her."But no, I never considered him to be anything more than a brother."

The relief in his eyes was palpable, and he returned her tentative smile."Ok.I can deal with that."He stroked her hair again, smoothing the silky tendrils.Her hand came up, catching his, and their fingers twined together, coming to rest in her lap."I missed you."The words were soft.

"I missed you too…"She bit her lip, debating with herself for a moment.The words she wanted to say echoed in her head, tormenting her, but she wasn't quite sure that she was brave enough to actually say them to his face.While all his actions indicated that he felt the same way she did, still, the possibility of rejection terrified her.After losing her family, she wasn't sure she could stand losing Logan, too, if things went wrong.She had a feeling that would be one blow too many.

Taking a deep breath, she finally forced herself to speak."At night, I used to lay in my bed, in the barracks.I could hear the others breathing around me, but I usually couldn't sleep, even worse than normal.So I would lay there, and I would think of you.I would make up scenarios in my head, imagine what it would be like when I finally came back.Imagine the look on your face, your reaction, what you would say… And I would hope."She paused for a moment, gathering her thoughts."If it hadn't been for my memories of you, and my dreams of you, I would've have survived it in there, Logan.You kept me sane, reminded me what it was like outside…what it could be like, if I wanted it badly enough."Hoping he could understand what she was trying to say, she found herself battling tears once more.It was absurd, how often she cried these past few hours.

Meeting his cobalt eyes, she couldn't hide the hope in her eyes."I want it badly enough."The words were a mere whisper.

His heart aching with a confusing mixture of pain and joy, Logan found himself strangely speechless."Max." At a loss for further words, he moved to sit on the edge of the bed, lowering his forehead to rest against hers, his hands framing her face and his eyes closed.

Her arms twining around his neck, she leaned into him, content with his nearness.Eventually they would both need the words, but for now, this was enough.

"Stay with me?"Her voice was muffled slightly against his throat.

"Yeah."He pulled back slightly."Just let me… One minute."

Rising from the bed, he walked over to a handsome cabinet made out of cherry wood.Opening one of the doors, he revealed a small, but powerful, stereo set.He flipped through CDs for a moment, before choosing one and pushing play. 

As the opening notes of the song drifted through the air, he toed off his shoes and crawled into bed next to her.Gathering her into his arms once more, he touched his lips to hers.The kiss was soft, a quiet promise of what was to come, once they were both ready.

After taking a moment to get comfortable in his embrace, cuddling against the hard length of him, arms wrapped around each other, the haunting words of the song he had chosen began to register in her brain.

_Hello, I've waited here for you,_

_Everlong._

_Tonight, I throw myself into _

_And out of the red, out of her head she sang. _

__

_Come down and waste away with me,_

_Down with me. _

_Slow how, you wanted it to be,_

_I'm over my head, out of her head she sang._

_ _

_And I wonder_

_When I sing along with you, _

_If everything could ever feel this real forever, _

_If anything could ever be this good again._

_ _

_The only thing I'll ever ask of you- _

_You've got to promise not to stop when I say when_

_She sang. _

_ _

_Breathe out, _

_So I can breathe you in, hold you in._

_And now, I know you've always been_

_Out of your head, out of my head I sang. _

_ _

_And I wonder _

_When I sing along with you _

_If everything could ever feel this real forever, _

_If anything could ever be this good again._

_ _

_The only thing I'll ever ask of you- _

_You've got to promise not to stop when I say when_

_She sang._

_ _

# And I wonder 

_If everything could ever feel this real forever, _

_If anything could ever be this good again._

_ _

_The only thing I'll ever ask of you- _

_You've got to promise not to stop when I say when_

She smiled, realizing what he had done.While neither was quite ready to say the words, Logan had managed to find a song that echoed his sentiments exactly, telling her without words how he felt.With her lips still curved in a smile, she turned her head slightly to kiss his neck, letting him know that she understood.

***

Wrapped in each other, the loving couple talked throughout the night, sharing hopes and dreams, tears, thoughts and laughter.Picking up the pieces, and trying to move on.

*****

DONE!Finally!I struggled with this damn piece for almost 4 weeks…*grrr* Yeah! *lol*If anyone's curious, the song I used is "Everlong," by the Foo Fighters.(Dan: when I went to go change the song, and couldn't find one I wanted to use, I *almost* broke down and used that Evan and Jaron song.I *fully* blame you for my almost-lapse! *snicker*)

   [1]: mailto:eyes_only1@yahoo.com



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